you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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