Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
