Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
