lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
