I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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