The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
