Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
