We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
