just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
