I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
