I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
In other news, I just burned my penis
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
