sorry about calling you the devil all night.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
