I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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