i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i drank out of a bidet.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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