Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
