When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
