Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
