I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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