No awkward lesbian experiences without me
He uses pillows to masturbate.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
