Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
