So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
