You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
