I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
