we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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