i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
