Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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