he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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