I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
