i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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