neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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