I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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