The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
