I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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