I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
