he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
