I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You took a bar mat shot.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
