fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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