we made out on top of his cat.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
