my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
