I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
