omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
