I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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