First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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