She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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