just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
