Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
