I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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