I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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