So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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