Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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